By Dr. Paul Chappell. Couples who are able to work together in resolving conflict are more likely to be able to save their marriage. However, no matter how good the relationship is, conflict in marriage is common to all marriages. According to this theory, marriage can be looked as a barter system. This may for a while numb the symptoms(avoid the fights), but eventually, the problem will continue. According to Burns, there are always rewards to the ‘problems’ in your relationship, which means that they aren’t really problems. 20 Possible causes of Marital Conflicts 1. The funny part of this is that when things do go right, that person claims responsibility right away. Marriage Problems - 10 Common Causes of Marital Conflicts, Stress, and Disharmony EzineArticles.com . Many times people focus on the surface of the problem not the cause of it. In an extreme form, conflict can even lead to violence. The root of the conflict might be something like a difference of opinion, experience, taste, perspective, personality, or beliefs. But there will always be evidence to support exactly the opposite statement. The four most common causes of conflict in relationships Criticism.. You both have the right to view things differently and to express it without hurting the other one. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself, “What do I want more: the rewards of battle or the rewards of a close, loving relationship?”’. This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. Your partner is making you feel angry or disappointed. Instead of arguing, criticising or ignoring each other, you could just get on with being happy together. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but it is not real. Instead of trying to control your partner, try putting yourself in their shoes. Before you try to fix a conflict you need to find the root cause of it. Yes, a loving and accepting person at your side helps a lot, but you can't force that person to make you happy. But if you want a better relationship, says Burns, you must concentrate solely on changing yourself. ‘We enjoy feeling superior to others – it means we get what we want from the relationship.’ Ultimately, though, we are hurting someone we are meant to care about more than anyone else. Relationships are made up of two people with different values and often different personalities. Healthy relationships grow and mature through conflict. More accurately, it was in the car immediately after the reception—but it started at the reception. However, what needs to be worked on is finding common ground. For example, many individuals somewhat unconsciously expect that their spouses will love them and support them under any circumstances, regardless of how they behave. You may need someone to see the conflict from another perspective. It’ll be hard to have sincere a… Our first fight as a married couple was at our wedding reception. When I say "conflict", I mean disagreements or different points of view. The last is the least popular, says Burns, but the most effective. ‘We were arguing on the phone and he said to me, “I never thought you were a quitter.” I went back just to prove him wrong.’ She left Phil for good six months later and has remarried. Samura is the main breadwinner in her relationship and frequently works till 10 or 11pm. Like animals, we have a primal desire for a pecking order, even within our close relationships. Spread the love. Forms of conflict range from minor, solvable problems to issues that perpetually cause disagreements and never seem to go away completely. For example, instead of saying, ‘He's totally unreliable,’ ask what evidence there is to support the opposite statement, ‘He's very reliable’. However, there are so many different ways to communicate, it is easy for wires to get crossed and messages get delayed or unread. Sources and Causes of Conflicts in an Organisation. Causes of Organizational Conflict – Competition for Resources, Task Interdependence, Jurisdictional Ambiguity, Status Problems and a Few Others Conflict is the existence of opposition or dispute and an­tagonistic or hostile interaction among groups or between per­sons. If we shoulder all the blame in our relationship, we are, in fact, rewarded, because we are preventing the... 3. Like animals, we have a primal desire for a pecking order, even within our close relationships. Money Money is one of the main issues in most relationships. Advantages might include: ‘I don’t have to feel guilty, I don’t have to change, I can feel morally superior.’ Disadvantages might be: ‘I won’t be able to get closer to my partner, I’ll be stuck in a cycle, nothing will change.’ If the advantages list is longer, you have definitely succumbed to blame as a motivation for conflict. Even though conflicts are common in a marriage, some types are destructive and can contribute to the breakdown of the relationship. Selfishness Not many people do. Also, conflict does not mean you can't be happy. This is true for any type of relationship. Allow us to say it straight: Money fights between couples are rarely about money. But, the common cause of repetitive marital conflicts is irrational beliefs about what our partners should be like and how our married life should look like. ‘Anything that anyone says has some truth in it,’ says Burns. Why inequities can cause conflicts is best explained through what researchers call Social Exchange Theory. Being forced to look at our faults, especially by someone we love, can feel too painful, so instead we put up a wall and become defensive. Couples often have the conflict due to the fact that someone in the relationship fails to think of the other person when making decisions. Weekly inspiration, tips, and advice from the best experts in the world on creating the life you really want, Confrontation: How to stick up for yourself. I grew up watching romantic movies and fairy tales that told me that somewhere existed a perfect man for me and that I would be happy. Although a little self-absorption is acceptable, if we find ourselves becoming enraged at the slightest hint of criticism and flying off the handle, we are succumbing to the seductive power of narcissism. 2. Often, these expectations are unrealistic or distorted and the person will need a wake-up call back to reality. It further relates other stressors that may co-occur such as role conflict, an overload of … Seek this out and the power of scapegoating is diffused. This is the view of Dr David Burns, psychiatrist and author of Feeling Good Together (Vermilion, £11.99). Many couples who go to therapy state that they feel that their partner doesn’t understand them.In those cases, the therapist will try to improve communication in the relationship. Couples should be able to discuss their sexual preferences with each other, without inhibition. For your own peace of mind, please be aware that all relationships have disagreements. Most of the time, that’s code, knowingly or not, for having mismatched sex... Work. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. This was a big one for me. Too often, we are so determined to get that "thing" we need, that we forget our decisions affect others. Well, if your relationship is going perfectly fine, that means someone is not being transparent. Common Causes of Marital Conflict and their Resolution. You may need outside help to resolve problems … Anger can provide us with a sense of purpose, particularly if we are in a relationship that is draining our energy. Money. Conflicts in relationships begin for many reasons. Self-blame Admitting your hidden agenda is the first step in putting that right.’, Anne-Laure Gannac asks whether, in a relationship, it’s always good to talk – or if some things are best left unsaid, Psychologies: France / Spain / Italy / China / Russia. 2  Conflict is generally intense enough to disrupt some aspect of the relationship, such as communication, which is what differentiates it from simply having a different point of view. When we fight with someone, the subtext is usually ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’. Relationship conflict is inevitable. They don’t feel comfortable talking about their fears or weaknesses, nor do they feel that their partner will be able to understand them. Many times conflict can be a blessing. Share PINTEREST Email Print Courtesy Leonora Saunders/Getty Images Love and Romance. So today, I'm going to equip you with some ideas for what to do and say during the three most common relationship conflicts you're bound to experience … 1. This is probably one of the hardest ones to deal with, because it's inevitable. What methods and styles... 3. ‘Wanting to have power over people is part of human nature,’ says Burns. Spouses will use sex as a means of getting their way or as a tool of influence over the other, especially during disagreements. Individuals may have distinct personalities, attitudes, and goals that just don’t blend together well. Fancy it? At times the person will seem discontent or upset and will not say why. Communication is the method of getting it out there. Life experiences taught me that you have to build the life and happiness you want. This draws attention to their positive behaviour and gives us a more balanced picture of their track record. This is where the root cause of conflict needs to be evaluated. Statements such as, ‘You always do this’ or, ‘He's so stupid’ are easily made, but cause us to seek evidence to support our labelling. For months prior to our wedding, my soon-to-be wife, Terrie, had invested untold hours into making reception favors—fabric roses with a candied almond as the … Now imagine you can press a button to transform your interaction into a close, caring and supportive friendship. I'm not talking about the constructive kind here. The reason that letting go of “being right” is so important is because people want to be heard. ‘Many couples I counsel aren’t interested in change,’ he claims. Conflict does not mean your relationship is a failure. If someone doesn’t meet our expectations, we feel we have every right to punish them. According to him, conflict is caused by the increase of population in geometrical progression and the food supply in arithmetical progression. Then, for the next 30 seconds, paraphrase back as accurately and respectfully as you can what they said. If we shoulder all the blame in our relationship, we are, in fact, rewarded, because we are preventing the other person from criticising us – because we’ve got in first. As McBain says, it’s all about the way you and your partner work together and deal with your conflicts. However, that takes lots of energy, and as a result, we’re not much fun to be around, says Burns. Clive Williams from Jamaica on May 31, 2017: I would also say too little sex brings a lot of argument. When conflict arises, both partners are usually being honest and voicing their opinion. 2. In order to improve our relationships, we have to focus on changing ourselves – not the other person. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Burns explains that anger can be expressed in three ways: active aggression (seeking out confrontation), passive aggression (unhelpfully avoiding confrontation) or by calmly and respectfully sharing how you feel. Successful conflict resolution builds relationships … Take this stance, and the majority of conflicts are dead before they start. Sexual problems can occur in a relationship for several reasons paving way for subsequently more marriage problems. A common but often undetected source of conflict in relationships is harboring an inaccurate belief about your partner’s (or teenager’s) intentions. How many times, in the heat of an argument, do we hear ourselves say, ‘It’s so unfair’, when what we mean is, ‘This isn’t what I want’? My advice to you is that when a conflict begins to affect you mentally or emotionally, seek professional help. 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